


albi ibyisaalni a'alaik (my heart is asking me about you)

by ZoeBug



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Muslim Character, Trans Character, Transman!Djaq, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 02:42:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6782134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeBug/pseuds/ZoeBug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I just... I don't know if you would understand if I tried to tell you."</p><p>Will rubbed the back of his neck, one leg swinging out and back, his heel hitting against the sheer face of the rock repeatedly.</p><p>"I know I'm not smart as you," Will said, and it wasn't sarcastic or barbed. It was honest. As if that was just the simple truth of how the world was, that the sky was blue and the Sheriff of Nottingham was evil and Djaq was smart. "But, uh, I can try."</p>
            </blockquote>





	albi ibyisaalni a'alaik (my heart is asking me about you)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been rewatching the BBC's Robin Hood lately after recommending to a friend and I've just fallen back in love with it. And with Djaq because Djaq is the best. So here's some trans!Djaq because the world needs more trans characters (more trans Muslim characters for sURE) and happy, accepting friends of them.
> 
> Djaq identifies as a boy in this fic, hence the he/him pronouns.
> 
> (This was ANOTHER warm up piece for a series I haven't written for before that got out of hand and turned into a full thing that I needed to finish. This is why I can't have nice things!! ;;u;;)

( _Translations for the Arabic at the end_ )

* * *

 

It hadn't really bothered Djaq too much when he'd first joined them, to be honest.

There had been the icy cold sinking feel―so awfully familiar―when he'd turned around to Will's voice calling behind him and Will had _seen_. And there had been the smug little curl to the way Will had said " _she_ " and the grin on Robin's face like Robin had been so _smart_ to figure out Djaq's secret.

And the knot of frustrated exhaustion had only grown. This twisting knot of 'why even in this new country couldn't Djaq just be _Djaq_ ,' of the way Djaq's body had betrayed him again and, _ya Allah_ , Djaq was just so tired of feeling like being himself was some kind of ruse for others to gloat upon discovering.

But then Robin had asked if Djaq joining them would be a problem as if he was daring anyone to object, as if Djaq was valuable and worthy and Robin would personally stare down anyone who dare make the assertion Djaq's body somehow made him less than... and the knot in his chest had loosened the smallest bit.

It hadn't really bothered Djaq too much after that, to be honest.

After they'd lost all the gloating grins or snide jabs every time someone called Djaq "she" or referred to how his body was different than the rest of theirs. Because they all knew how Djaq was, knew _who_ Djaq was. They saw Djaq fight and work and be brilliant and brave and that was enough in the beginning.

It was somewhat of a relief, truth be told, to not have to hide the ways his body was. He didn't have to wear so many layers on hot days if he didn't want to. He didn't have to carefully wrap linen around his chest or watch the time because he knew wearing it too tightly for too long wasn't good for his ribs. Because neither Robin nor Much nor Will nor Allan nor John nor anyone treated Djaq any differently.

It hadn't really bothered Djaq at first if they called him "she" because they still treated Djaq like he wanted. But it was as if with each passing "she," with each "her," with each "woman" and "girl" uttered off hand, the patience and respect his friends had inspired on that first whirlwind encounter began to erode like wind-swept sand against stone back in his homeland.

They weren't doing it to be mean, Djaq knew. They just didn't understand.

 _Allahu A’lam,_ Djaq didn't even understand it half the time.

But with each passing day, just being treated like a boy steadily began to not be enough anymore.

"Djaq?"

It was Will that had spoken when Djaq turned, tilting his head up to find the other leaning down to offer Djaq a plate of food. Will's hand stilled for a moment, studying Djaq's face as if seeing something there that he hadn't previously noticed.

"Can I, uh, have my food?" Djaq asked, laughing through the words. Will seemed to shake himself and handed the food over. " _Bismillah._ " Djaq murmured quietly to himself, taking the plate.

"Sorry. I was just..." Will started to straighten back up, but stopped, glancing quickly to the others, scattered around the camp. Robin was eating distractedly, staring into the fire as if lost in thought while, beside him, Much tittered away, seemingly under the pretense that Robin was listening. John was watching Allan who, after seeing jugglers at a fair in Nottingham a few weeks back, had been determined to learn to do so as well and was tossing three apples haphazardly in the air with his tongue stuck between his teeth.

Seeing them all engaged in their own mealtime antics, Will seemed to change his mind and settle silently beside Djaq, his legs joining where Djaq's own dangled over the edge of the large stone they were perched on.

"Will?" Djaq asked, studying Will's demeanor. Will was naturally quiet, especially compared to the rest of them, but this was a different sort of quiet―a busy one. Like grey storm clouds curling in on themselves over head. "Are you all right?"

Will turned to look at Djaq and, to Djaq's surprise, a smile spread across his face.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Will said with a quiet huff of a laugh, looking away from Djaq's face to place his plate on his lap and pick idly at the bread. Djaq mirrored him, laughing himself.

"I'm fine, Will. Is that what you were worried about? If I was all right?"

Will just shrugged, still smiling but not looking over at Djaq again.

"Y'just seem... different lately, I guess," he said softly. "Less relaxed."

"To be fair, we are constantly on the run from the Sheriff's men," Djaq sighed dramatically. "I wish someone had told me before I volunteered to join a band of outlaws how hard it is to get a decent night's sleep."

Will snorted and took a bite of the rabbit Allan had managed to trap for them earlier.

"You know what I mean, Djaq."

Djaq did. He knew exactly what Will meant. If Will only knew how hard it was to verbalize. And how unlikely they all were to understand.

Djaq could just imagine their faces, could see those of his newfound friends superimposed over those of people he had met on the journey to England and even back home―incredulous, condescending expressions that made him feel stupid or like a child.

" _What do you mean? You're a_ girl _!_ " they would say, just like everyone before. " _It's one thing to dress like a man, but this is ridiculous."_

The thought of his friends, these people Djaq cared so much for, would fight and _die_ for, looking at him like that―he couldn't bear it.

How could he explain? What could he say that could ever make these people who had never felt like this understand?

That his body didn't mean what they thought it did. That the name _Saffia_ felt cold and dead in his mouth when he uttered it. That the way people referred to him as one of "Robin's men" made his chest feel like it would burst with pride.

Because he'd always felt like this, like the words "he" and "boy" and "man" and all things masculine made Djaq feel less like the walls within him were closing in.

How on Earth would they― _could_ they―understand?

But there Will was still, looking at Djaq with such patient, soft eyes. So Djaq just shook his head and looked down, picking apart the bread Will had given him.

"It's... difficult to say," Djaq finally managed.

"Is it that you don't, uh, know the words? In English?" Will asked. He was trying so _hard_ and Djaq couldn't understand why. Djaq let out an incredulous little laugh.

"No. No, it's not that. I just... I don't know if you would understand if I tried to tell you." Djaq noticed, faintly, that his eyes were pricking at the corners and he dropped the bread from his fingers and curled them into fists against the feeling.

Will rubbed the back of his neck beside Djaq, one leg swinging out and back, his heel hitting against the sheer face of the rock repeatedly.

"I know I'm not smart as you," he said, and it wasn't sarcastic or barbed. It was honest. As if that was just the simple truth of how the world was, that the sky was blue and the Sheriff of Nottingham was evil and Djaq was smart. "But, uh, I can try."

And here was another thing Djaq didn't understand. Will, patient and kind, so determined to understand what was wrong.

Djaq huffed another laugh that came out more like a shaky sigh. But the rock beneath him was solid and beside Djaq, expectant and gentle and good, so was Will.

" _Tawakalna ala Allah,_ " Djaq whispered under his breath, gripping his hands into the fabric of his trousers to ground himself.

"Wh-?" But before Will could voice the question Djaq knew he was about to regarding the muttered words, Djaq twisted his torso to face him, gathering his courage.

"You know that I dress as a boy. And I use a boy's name," Djaq started, trying _so hard_ to keep his voice from shaking.

"Obviously." Will said, as if confused as to where this was going.

"Well, I... I..." Djaq gripped harder at the material, willing himself to continue, to trust that Will and the others were good people―good _friends―_ that they would respect Djaq no matter what. He had placed his life in their hands, why couldn't he trust them with this?

"You can tell me," Will said quietly and, bless him, Will Scarlet was looking away from Djaq, trying to take the pressure off, to give him space to collect his thoughts. Djaq swallowed and loosened his hands from his trouser material with a long breath.

"That's because... I _am_ a boy," Djaq said slowly. Out off the corner of his eye, Djaq saw Will's brow furrow.

"But you-" Will started, confused.

"I know that I-" Djaq cut him off quickly, swallowing to calm himself, "...what my body looks like. But I'm not talking about my body, Will."

Will was quiet for a moment, brow still furrowed and the faces and voices of years crowded behind his eyes and Djaq wished for a time and a place where he was a boy like every other and this wasn't his burden to bear.

"I don't understand," Will murmured after a moment. But his words were not harsh or incredulous like the others before. They were soft and considering. "But, ah, could you try again? Like I said, 'm not quite smart as you."

Djaq felt like he could almost cry. Because in an instant the swimming ghosts of those past encounters had been banished by Will's words like wandering spirits being finally laid to rest.

Because here, in Will―in _all_ of these men, Djaq allowed himself to hope for a wild, giddy moment― _m_ _ashallah_ , someone might understand.

"I mean... in here," Djaq said, trying not to let his voice waver, raising his arm to point to his head. "And in here." He placed his hand, quivering the smallest bit, over his chest. "These places, I _am_ a boy."

The words were quiet, Djaq's voice having dropped to barely a whisper by the end. And silence fell between them, broken only by the sounds of the fire crackling and Much still chatting away and the sound of Allan's soft yelp as his apples tumbled from his grip for the umpteenth time.

And there was a stretching moment where Djaq felt like his chest would explode with anticipation, as if he were splayed open before Will, more naked than he'd ever felt that first day when Will had stumbled upon him washing amidst the trees.

But Will's face was not angry or incredulous or looking at Djaq like there was something broken inside him. His expression was still that tranquil kind of considering, brow furrowed as if the matter tumbling around behind his eyes was something precious and important to untangle with care.

Will nodded to himself after a long moment before turning to face Djaq, meeting his eyes.

“This is truly how you feel.” And it wasn’t a question. It was a confirmation. As if Djaq’s way of feeling and thinking and _being_ would be proof in itself - the final piece of a puzzle to fit together in order to unlock understanding to him. And Djaq couldn’t look away from the earnestness in Will’s soft green eyes.

“In my very soul,” Djaq managed to breathe, nodding back at him.

And something passed over Will’s face―a lightness, as if some cloth had been lifted from his eyes and his lips curled up in a smile as his gaze roved over Djaq’s face like it was something familiar yet new. A house with new paint or an old friend returned after years with a new haircut and clothes.

Will’s hand startled Djaq as he clapped Djaq on the shoulder, smiling.

“In that case, I owe you an apology, Djaq.” And Will’s voice was light again, friendly and comfortable and Djaq thought he might have died during their last excursion and simply not noticed because this was more that he could have ever hoped for. “Didn’t know I was bein’ so rude. Heaven knows, I’d have had it of people calling me a girl by now. Sorry for not getting it earlier.” He pointed up to his head with a lopsided grin. “‘S no excuse but ’m not as quick as you, remember?”

And Djaq, laughing with a kind of wild relief, flung his arms around Will, thinking, ridiculously, how unmanly it was to be hugging Will and this close to crying. And then laughing at that too as Will let out a surprised bark of a laugh.

“ _Jazaka Allahu khairan,_ ” Djaq breathed the words incredulously into the Will’s shoulder. “Bless you, Will Scarlet.”

Djaq laughed, arms around Will with his face buried in the rough material of his tunic for a moment, still a little giddy with the joy and relief of it, before releasing him.

“Oi! What’s so funny?” Allan called, words muffled, presumably, through a mouthful of apple if one of the fruits in his hand littered with bite marks was any indication.

“Djaq’s laughing at how slow I am!” Will called back, still smiling as easy as anything, pulling one leg up and leaving the other to still dangle off the edge of the rock.

“‘S not nice, Djaq!” Robin called, voice playful. “If you call _Will_ slow, imagine how bad Allan will feel.”

“Hey!” Allan shouted, indignant, sending half-chewed chunks of apple flying everywhere.

Djaq felt the warm vibrations as Will laughed again before he realized Will was leaning into him, their sides pressed together. Djaq leaned back on his hands so his arm was no longer between them, kicking his dangling feet freely against the rock behind his calves.

“Hey,” Will said, a smile clear in his voice but pitching the words quietly enough that Djaq knew they were only for him. “Will you, uh, teach me how to say some things. In your language, I mean. Sometime.”

“Why?” Djaq laughed. Beside Djaq, Will shrugged, looking away from him to where Allan was now tossing bits of apple up over the fire and Robin was shooting them out of the air from where he reclined lazily with a cocky grin on his face.

“I… I realized just now, there’s a lot I don’t understand about you..." Will paused, as if trying to find the words, "‘cus ‘m not seeing it the way you see it, yeah?” Will still wasn’t looking at him but the words made Djaq smile. “Though that might help.”

Djaq sighed dramatically in mock exasperation to mask the absolute joy swelling in his chest.

“Well, all right. But only if you promise you’ll very work hard. My mother tongue is not so easily learned.”

Will nodded and Djaq could see he was smiling lightly.

“It’s always worth the hard work to understand you,” Will murmured quietly, almost as if to himself.

It made Djaq think about how far Will had come from the wary boy who had stood outside that cage of a wagon, regarding Djaq and the color of his skin and the language in which his brothers spoke with such distrustful eyes.

And now, here he was, beside Dajq, seeing him as a boy because Djaq said he was and asking Djaq to teach Will the language of his homeland so he could understand him further.

“Will Scarlet,” Djaq breathed, unbidden and full of incredulity, shaking his head a bit as if he couldn’t believe Will was real. “ _Inshallah, albi ibyisaalni a'alaik_.”

Will once again turned toward Djaq at the sound of the unfamiliar words. And regardless of the way Will’s patient, kind request had made him feel, with a flush creeping hot up Djaq’s face, he was grateful in the moment that Will still couldn't understand him.

“Will you teach me what _that_ means?” Will asked, smiling again, now in that soft yet playful way.

Djaq snorted and glanced back down to the camp, full of friends he’d been gifted so graciously, whom he could trust with things as fragile and precious as these, before punching Will in the shoulder.

“Not today,” Djaq replied, leaning back against the warmth of Will's side, closing his eyes and tilting his face upwards to the sky, beyond the treetops high above them. "But someday."

 

* * *

Translations: 

_Ya Allah_ \- "Oh Allah"; used while doing something, as in asking for assistance from Allah

 _Allahu A’lam_ \- "Only Allah knows"; expression similar in usage to "I don't know" or "God knows"

 _Bismillah -_ Said at the beginning of a meal; literal translation "In the name of Allah"

 _Tawakalna ala Allah_ \- "I place my absolute trust in Allah"; Used before beginning something

 _Mashallah_ \- Used to express positive amazement; literal translation "What Allah wishes"

 _Jazaka Allahu Khairan_ \- “May Allah reward you with all good”; used to express gratitude to someone

 _Inshallah_ \- “If Allah wills”; similar to _Mashallah_ , but used referring to a future action

 _Albi ibyisaalni_ _a'alaik_ \- “My heart is asking me about you”

**Author's Note:**

> Remember kids: **don't bind with cloth or ace bandages!** It's not safe and could hurt you badly! Use a real binder or sports bras!
> 
> Also, I am NOT a native Arabic speaker, so if I got any of the phrases or uses of them wrong, please let me know how I can correct them! C:
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated!  
>   
> [fanfic/podfic blog](http://zoe-bug.tumblr.com/) | [personal](http://xiexiecaptain.tumblr.com/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/xiexiecaptain)


End file.
